I am an Ostrich

It is not about the justification or the excuses but about be able to say ‘Yes, please’ or no thank you’. No body really wants to know ‘why not’, they just want to things are happening and that it is being taken care of. Take your head out of the sand and get on with it.

I see now how much I have changed. I can’t even say for the better or the worse. I have just become indifferent and defensive. I just don’t feel. I am realizing that people do care. I am not alone. It was always easier to run solo. Stick my head in the sand and hide. Being alone meant less pain and disappointment but it is also meant losing the good and challenging things.

I used to be the person who would do everything, accept a challenge or a dare. Jump at the opportunity to try something new. I used to be that person. Now, all I want to do is run and hide. All I can think is ‘Please don’t see me’ and hope they walk on by.

Where have I gone? I am an ostrich with my head in the sand. I come up every now and again for a breath. Essentially everything scares me! Tears have become safer than a smile. Somehow everything has become skewed.

How? When? Where or even why? I wish I knew.

I used to think I saw everything in bright colors. I may do when my head comes up. In essence all I see and feel is the sand suffocating me. This is my world!

Even I can see, ‘How sad!’

Written Raw

I have everything. He has me and I have him. I have everything I have ever dreamed of. Someone who wants me. Someone who loves me. Someone who supports me and wants the best for me, yet I am finding this the scariest time in my life. I am finding myself in a constant state of anxiety. The smallest thing can set it off. Half the time it is so trivial even I know I am being silly. 

I belong to him. He belongs to me. We belong together but I feel like I belong no where. I feel like I have no past. I feel like I have nothing to contribute. I feel like a lost child who can’t find the path. 

I have everything a ahead of me. A new life. An amazing man I love with everything I am. I can’t imagine my life with him. For the first time in my life I am scared of a new beginning. I am scared of losing him. I actually scared of failing. There are no second chances here!  I know he is my IT! My everything. 

I never thought this dream would true for me. He is opening so many doors for me I petrified I fail and let him down. I am petrified I lose. I am petrified I am and will be a disappointment.  

I have so much offer. I am scared to take leap because I think I will fall. There are so many challenges. I have so many ideas but I feel they are too big a risk, with too little reward and I just won’t cope. 

I think they are big dreams or I am just being naive. I am too scared to step off. The fall is a long way. 

I want my Love. Us to be secure. To be free. To be together. To be happy. To be successful. This is everything I have avoided for so long. And now I have everything. I don’t know how to breath. 

All I want is to be confident. All I feel like is a lost child. 

All I want is to settle. To be with him, be us to love and be happy!

Sometimes It Starts In Darknesses

It isn’t even a month since nice our wedding. One of the few days in my life that I would honestly love to go back and relive. This period should be one of the happiest of our lives, the Beginning. Instead it is proving to be the biggest test and very trying. The joy of the occasion is gone.

In the lead up to us coming together, my husband and I have both experienced some serious scarring. This was suppose to be our new start. A fresh start, together. I know it is impossible to escape the past and am aware that quite often it will always be there. I do believe the past moulds us. It plays a significant role on who we become, our ability to cope and the next direction we take. I fear that we often let the past control our present and our future, as opposed to learning from it and moving on. We should not accept what we fear might become the inevitable.

The first drug most of us encounter in life is emotion. It is totally infectious. Even the uncontrollable laughter of a baby can infect a whole room, it can change the mood so quickly and decisively. The same can be said for sadness and helplessness. It doesn’t take long to rub off on people around and the mood shifts to something dark and undesirable. Laughter can lighten the mood, if only for a moment but it is merely a plaster. It can make life feel more like a rollercoaster, with all its ups and downs. What makes the rollercoaster more difficult to deal with is when it becomes intertwined with another. For some of us our rollercoasters intertwine by choice and for others it is unavoidable. The effects of bouncing off someone makes expressing emotions very difficult, we are unsure about who’s emotions we are feeling and what it is exactly we are dealing with.

The people around me are not in a good space. There is much to deal with, I believe they feel like they are drowning. The past is so close it is suffocating and has made the future a terrifying place. In many ways I have been where they are, but at the same time I haven’t. I can’t even say that I am able to fully understand but I can see the signs. I can take their darkness for so long, before I it starts to consume me. That feeling of heaviness and darkness is the scariest thing in the world. It becomes destructive so effortlessly and quietly. All know is I do not want to visit that place again, for me or with someone else. I fully realize that I may have to endure it. I can only hope I am strong enough to cope.

The inability to cope is terrifying. In reaching that space I know I may be on my own as others battle their demons and place the weight of it on me. The people closest to me do not always see the pressure I am under. I become insignificant to their darkness. There are 3 of us and I am finding the turmoil devastating. I often feel that I am seen as cause and an aggravation to a problem that began long before me.

Home, seldom feels feel like home. It is not relaxing or welcoming for any of us. Even at the best of times it is strained. For me it is becoming a place of depression, stress and anxiety. I am starting to find the egg shells are becoming unbearable. Even when home alone I am wanting to be else where. Arriving home to a deep look of sadness and an ever entrenching sense of depression, hurts like nothing I have ever felt before. There is no joy in what I see. Me being home provides very little relief.

I feel lost. I don’t know how to help those I care the most about. This is a new family and in that comes a lot hard work. Yet when all everyone sees is darkness and negativity it makes the coming together that much more difficult. I never expected this journey to be quite this hard. In many respects we are together and strong but in others I feel a divide.

For all of us our journey together is only just beginning.

Age Doesn’t Matter

In four days I marry.  A day I never thought would come.  I have spent so many years alone, I had begun to accepted the fact I would always be alone. I am 38, no spring chicken although I do look young for my age, have never been married, no children, no animals, never owned my own property and so my list grows. He is 59, this is his 3rd marriage, has 5 children one of whom is my age, two gorgeous grandchildren and one more shortly on the way, his own house, has had pets and that is but the start of the list.

I frequently look at the situation and wonder how in life this will ever come together. We just seem to have come together, literally fallen into things from two totally different periods.  Yet we couldn’t be more ready to be together.

It is all so different but so intensely the same. Our lives up until now could not be any more different. Our experiences, worlds apart.  Our outlook and approach to life are the same. I couldn’t have asked for anyone more perfect.  

We don’t always listen to each other but we do hear each other. He totally understands me even when I am convinced he can’t. We don’t always agree, we do get upset with each other yet but somehow he always just seems to know. 

I have always wanted run when situations got heated, uncomfortable or tense. When I mean run; I mean run away, change countries, new town, different city, a clean start. I used to think that was the best way to solve things but I see now it was the easy way out and the cowards solution to a problem. That was gut telling me I was not in the right place and there was someone better for me and who truly wanted me.

My biggest lesson in the past year has been to realize that to have the most amazing relationship does not mean it has to be perfect. It is important to disagree, argue and to be upset it is all apart of growing up.

Remember one thing; always listen to the other side of the story, learn from it.  Everyone has demons from other relationships and experiences.  Each with their own triggers and reasons. Don’t fight them, accept them. Allow them to surface and learn from them together. This is all apart of getting of getting to know each other and growing together.  Allow the previous wounds to heal.   Understanding yourown and our partners hidden wounds.  Without understanding and compassion these demons can become dangerous.

It is all about loving for him for who he is.  All the imperfections and hidden demons. Accept them.  Previous experiences have taught him valuable lessons about what he wants and how he wants to be treated.  This is a continual topic of conversation between us. We continually talk about all of this. It is so important to us to be open and to share our darkest parts. Trust him to want to put a band on all your wounds and kiss them better.

He is my other half. The scab to my wounds.  

I have always wondered how I would know if I had met ‘MYIT’ or not, but I just knew. 

I could never have imagined being so intensely connected with someone. 

Always be open. Be honest. Listen but even more importantly hear. Acknowledge. Then lastly use it grow strong together.

What is there to be scared about?

You would like to think that by my age I would have found some direction. I feel as lost now as I did at 18, still with the World at my door step. I suppose, it reflects in this blog that I occasionally sit down to write. Right now my goal is to share what is in my thoughts and in heart, but honestly there is no true direction. Yet! Writing this is a very scary thing for me. I am scared of people I know reading, because I am scared they will think less of me. The irony of this is that the few who read what I write is people I know.

‘Put your thoughts down on paper, it helps make things clearer.’

So maybe this is what I need to do.

Have you sat and looked at a picture. I mean tried to truly look at a picture and you just cant see it. I have been looking at my life for so long that I think I just can’t see the picture. Sometimes I do see a little clarity but for the most part it is a whirl of colours I just can’t make sense of. Always asking the wrong questions thinking they will present the right answers. I am finding it incredibly frustrating because its stop me from settling and following the flow.

Everything scares me. I have so many opportunities to do try new things, learn new things, be apart of new things but I feel like I am fighting my anxieties with every excuse I can find. I can accept change to a certain point but right before it become fun and exciting I convince myself that I won’t enjoy it or am not good enough. This is ‘Stupid’.

I have thrown so many balls up in the air that I don’t actually know what I would do if one hit the floor. If one does come close I catch it like a hot potato and throw it right back up, almost like I am avoiding facing it and am trying to buy myself more time. What I hadn’t realised is that the more I hide from new challenges the more time I am wasting.

There is so much in my life I want to do and what to share. Yet I have deep fear of being the same as everyone else, of doing things that have been done before. Again what I am not releasing is that I am only running away from ‘My Own New Experiences’.

Surely that is all that matters?

Me and my experiences?

Who I share them with?

In the end it is me who is giving it ago and me who is giving it try. It only me who is losing out, no one else.

I have so many half baked ideas, lots of ‘maybe’s’ and plenty of ‘what ifs’ whirling around in my head. I am so scared to put it down on paper or spend the time developing them because I am simply scared. I think my biggest fear is being told that they will be rejected and fail.

So I ask again;

‘Is that not suppose to part of the experience?’

‘Doesn’t failure just teach us how to do it better next time?’

At one point in my life I used to thrive on a challenge, I loved the thrill of adrenaline, nerves and butterflies. It is what drove me to try and to put myself up against people bigger and better that me. Sometimes I won, other times not but I needed to know what I could do.

In the end I didn’t reach my ultimate goal but I tried and am so proud of that. I chose to end that part of my life because I became too scared to put in the effort to try. Every time I tried I was told it wasn’t good enough, I felt I just let people down. So I just stopped trying. In the end I wasn’t doing it for me. So I walked away. I lost something very important here.

However I learnt one very important thing from that; ‘What ever you do, do it for you! Make you happy!’

I may know what the lesson should be and often pass it on but the question is have I actually listened. I want so much for myself but I have no idea where to start. I have been told that it often starts with putting your thoughts down on paper. So here I am. It is midnight, writing from my heart. I started in tears, am feeling like I am ending with some clarity. So maybe this writing thing has something to it.

I know from where I am and where I have been that we all have the opportunity to try and the potential to succeed. We don’t always get it right, that is not always a bad thing. The lessons we learn and pass on are what truly matter. I have learnt some good lessons. I just need to clear the clutter and find my way. It probably isn’t has hard it seems, yet seems like such a daunting undertaking. Somehow I need to positively transfer that feeling of anxiety to nerves, butterflies and excitement. Somewhere I got my wires crossed. now I NEED TO BE BRAVE and just be open my mind. I am starting to realize that, that is all it is; nervousness and excitement.

Here are my rules to coping:

Stop!

Breath!

Take the time.

Open your mind.

Smile.

Accept some where someone is going to disagree with you.

Accept some where someone is going to tell you it is silly and stupid…Laugh with them.

Try to proving them wrong.

You only need you to believe in yourself, but know if you look there will always be people who will be by your side to believe in you and help. Don’t be afraid to share because it can be a lonely place.

Life is always so much better when you share it with people special to you x x

All the little things add up

Every scratch, every injury and every accident becomes a part of your story. In the last 10 years or so I have been through numerous accidents, falls and scrapes; and every time I would get myself checked out to make sure there were no long term implications. What is important to remember here is that nothing can be treated unless there are symptoms. What I have realized is that our bodies, like our emotions, have limits. Sometimes it is not about pushing ourselves to our physical limits but about finding the point where we have taken one too many beatings. In my case, all my injuries had finally compounded and I could no longer cope. For the first time in my life, it was my brain protecting my body, it said no…. STOP!!!!

This was my 5th 70.3 Triathlon, and I did not finish!!

I look back on all my races and see now that I have never had a good race. I know racing is never easy. It always involves pain, but in this particular case I realized that I have never been comfortable. It was this race, where my body refused to be ignored any longer said ‘No’.

I never made it past the bike leg. My strongest discipline. The first half of the race was easy on the legs but was really rough on the back muscles. As the race progressed my back eased but my hips, groin, abdomen all fell apart. Climbing the hill became impossible. I was on the verge of tears. The pain was like nothing I had ever endured, not even a 2km erg (rowing machine) compared. I remember thinking ‘All I have to do is make the end of the ride, just make the end and I am done’. There was even a point where I didn’t think I would make that. It just seemed impossible.

Ripping past all the girls in the first 45km was easy but the last 45km was a different story. I was quickly overtaken by the same girls and then some. It very quickly became clear how much pain I was in and much speed I had a lost. At this point I need you to be aware that I am strong cyclist and tend to do all the passing in bike leg and very seldom get passed. It was gut wrenching.

I got to the end of the bike. Climbed off. Calmly handed my bike to a volunteer and walked through transition. I walked!!! I had no sense of urgency. A guy standing just outside the change area asked me if I was okay and I responded by saying ‘I am trying to work that one out.’ I continued on, found a seat, put my transition bag down and slumped into the seat with my head in my hands. Even at this stage I was trying to negotiate with myself with regards to being able to continue or to stop. I know what a bad run feels like but was trying to work out what a bad run after a bad bike would be like. Unimaginable!! But still my inner demon was trying to convince me to continue. I knew that it would be detrimental and that I had no chance in finishing. It was now, that I listened and pulled out.

As strange as it may seem not finishing was a new experience for me. Life is like the body and sometimes we are forced to listen. Quite often we set out to achieve something and in the initial stages it may feel right but in the end the universe has a way of showing us different. I have to admit my body had been complaining for a long time and I had chosen to ignore the symptoms. I was caught up in the desperation of the drive and the determination to achieve and compete. My goal was to qualify for the World Championship later this year. By getting lost in the end goal I missed the signs and didn’t stop to listen or take note. As a result I am back in rehab with a possible herniated disk and my goals look further away than ever.

We need to be more aware of the present, of what is happening now. Having goals are all well and good but when we miss the signs we risk the possibility of losing everything all together. So look out for the signs. Take notice of even the smallest insignificant ones. Deal with the little issues, don’t ignore them. It is easier to deal with one issue at a time than multitudes compounding into one big problem. Give yourself the best opportunity you can to reach the end goal.

Be Smart! Play smart! LISTEN!

Happiness is ME

No person or thing can define you.

No person or thing can make you happy.

Everything is about you.

Your happiness is about you.

Your happiness about accepting who you ARE.

We are all moulded by our experiences and our decisions. They are all good, all bad and all have the potential to be ugly or beautiful. It is how we learn from them and accept them as a part of who we are and where we are going.

The biggest lessons come from our deepest lows. Finding the strength to rise comes from the strength to acknowledge where we are. All it takes is to make a conscious decision to move up, out and onwards. At some point we have all felt hard done by, targeted and alone. We have all blamed that feeling on others, I remember these, ‘No wants to be my friend’ and ‘No one likes me’. Two very harsh phrases that epitomized how low I was and how I viewed myself. I know now that was not how others saw me but rather how I saw myself. I didn’t want to be my friend and I didn’t like myself. I didn’t always exude that to others, and yes it was possible to show ‘I am happy’ (not) because happiness is possible to fake. It was deep down, on late nights at home alone or out with a couple of drinks in me when I saw the truth about how unhappy I really was.

I got to a point in my life where everything that was wrong was clear and evident that I decided where I was and who I was with was not what I wanted. Everything I had and did not have was not what I wanted. This was when I realized that I needed to take a step back from my life and work out who I am. I had been so unhappy for so long, attracting the wrong kind of people, making questionable decisions and just not seeing away forward. The only thing I knew at this point is what I didn’t want.

I started by searching for me. This didn’t involve a sabbatical or running away from my life. I decided to put me first. I removed myself from uncomfortable situations and only wanted to surround myself with people who were a positive influence. It was a long a process, it took years and lots of patience. The goal I wanted to achieve was personal acceptance. I wanted to be happy in my own skin, be happy with who I am and most of all I wanted to be comfortable in my own company. I wanted to rely on my opinion for my own happiness. Other opinions became less important. It was all about me. Please understand I was not selfish, arrogant or mean but all I knew was before I could be happy in the company of others I needed to happy in me.

It was scary to start but the journey so well worth it. This journey of complete letting go, no looking for acceptance and approval just searching for ME.

And who can argue the truth, if you want happiness stop looking for it. It is true as soon as you focus on yourself and being happy with you everything else will find you.

Know you! Love you! Life will pay it back!

My happiness is Me!

Time For Reflection

Looking back at 2018 it was a huge year in my life.  A new country, a new job; I was so ready to move on.  I was heading off in search of a new life, a better life; one with more security, more opportunities and just the proverbial ‘greener pastures’.  Am not sure if I had found it because in my moment of change I found something better.  I found someone I was beginning to accept that I would never find.

2018, was the year my worlds collided but still the decision, although gut wrenching, was an easy one to make.  A new life with the man I love or a new life on my own; both amazing journeys and adventures. I finally have the opportunity to start new life with someone I could share everything with.  This is an experience I have never known and was not prepared to lose . Something this raw and true only comes once in a life time and I have waited long enough. Regardless of what others may think or feel, I have found everything I have been looking for; a deep unconditional love and who in their right mind could walk away from that.   I feel so lucky because people never find this.  There was no chance I would it pass me by.

So much as changed and happened in the last 12 months, I would not trade any of it.  Every experience has been so special and will always be treasured.  Even now; my mixed emotions, anxieties, uncertainties, worries, conflicts, smiles laughs; I would not trade any of it. With each passing day I am growing, becoming more myself and aware of others just being more conscious of the world around me

One thing I know is that I am where I am suppose to be.

In looking back my biggest lesson this year is that the most special things arrive unexpectedly and by surprise.  Amazing opportunities are always there, they arrive when you are ready. Making one decision doesn’t necessarily mean you have to lose out on something else.  But sometimes, as happened to me, so much happens at once and you are forced to choose.

If I could leave you with once piece of advice, ‘Follow your heart and commit to it with all you have.  No regrets!’

If in your heart you believe you have found it, hold on to it with both hands, fight for it and never let it go.  Happiness is so important. Be brave because it could mean trading one opportunity for another but you will know if it is right. It will be worth it.

Remember this, ‘If he truly wants you, loves you, he will move mountains for you and prepared to do the same for him.’

What more can you ask for when you have that one person in your life who wants you unconditionally and against all odds.

‘To the moon and back MYIT’

Its the small things that make the biggest impact!

The Journey Begins

In the beginning it was all very unclear and a little fuzzy. Nothing was clear or certain. No definate direction. A few road signs appeared, looked interesting and so I followed. I don’t think I ever had any clear or defined destination, all I knew is I was on a journey.

I think time has made me a little wiser. I think my journey has given me a unique perspective on life. I can’t say it has made life any easier but it has definately made me more aware of things, circumstances and people. I have come to the realization that I am not perfect and that’s what makes me special, ‘Well I am still learning this.’
Slowly I am realising that I have a perspective and an opinion; and it is important. It might not be important to everyone but at least is to to me and the few VIP’s in my life. That is all that truly matters.

So in short all I am wanting to do is impart my ‘special’ perspective. Take it as you wish. There is No need to agree with me but please understand this about me, my feelings, my perspective and my view on life.

It is about being brave enough to be happy and also accepting of the sad times. This will included the good and the bad. I am just trying to be true to myself and hopefully encourage you to do the same.

Thank you for joining me. I hope you enjoy the journey as much as I will sharing it with you.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton